There’s nothing glorious about a painful bubble of fart building up inside your abdomen. A bubble that ends in only one of two ways – either seeping out of you in a controlled manner (for God forbid there should be follow through) and quietly stinking out the room you’re in, or in excruciating pain as you suck it back up inside yourself to avoid the nuclear fallout from letting off this stink bomb in public.
And I know I’m being gross right now, okay, but there’s an awful lot of people wandering around out there unable to be more than five feet from a loo and I feel I should say something because come on. IB fucking S? That’s a condition that DOES NOT need to exist.
And it won’t, if you do one simple thing. And it really is simple, although you have got to be all-in. One small slip up and those stinky farts will be back, as well as those cramps that make you think a baby is about to drop from your hoo-ha. You’ve got to give up wheat. All of it. There’s no room for manoeuvre, or gluten-free alternatives here. Your body does not handle wheat well. It’s not designed for it, especially the crap they push on us these days.
And while your initial reaction might be that of anger, followed by tears, followed by depression as you realise that means no more basically EVERYTHING (because what does not taste better when served between two pieces of toast, or encased in pastry), it’s actually an opportunity. Yup, being unable to ever eat a thick cut sandwich from Pret a Manger again is a massive blessing because it means you have just upgraded your existence.
Only losers eat bread. It’s a bad food stuff. Bread only makes you want to eat more, and More, and MORE. It’s the reason you get hangry when your access to food is denied for five minutes because some cretin has just telephoned you on your way to lunch. It’s the reason you have a bit bloated, square mid-section where your waist hasn’t been spotted since the mind-90’s. It’s junk food. It pretends to be health food, especially the brown and wholegrain versions, but they’re just as bad. You may as well be eating a packet of gummy bears for your lunch when you have a ham salad roll.
So how do you embrace this opportunity? You make it your policy that you don’t eat wheat. You don’t eat wheat, ever, and that’s the end of it. There’s no arguing against yourself with your decision, there’s no *shall I, shan’t I* when someone offers you a piece of toast. You don’t eat wheat. End of story. And it’s much easier to do than you’d think because bread (or wheat) isn’t objectively adding anything to your life anyway because it, like everything else in the outside world, is thought-created.
It’s like this: when you recognise you’ve created the positive experience of the bread, you realise you can revoke that positive experience too, any time you want. Recognising you can revoke that experience any time you want, means it’s actually already done. Do you see that? You are free to look at a piece of bread, or a slice of cake or one of those doughnuts with the icing and the hole in the middle, any way you like, but it’s only once you understand that you can, that you do.
So don’t be disheartened, be glad. Wheat is a load of bollocks, so thank your very crabby and irritable bowel for putting up such a show of disliking it for you, so that you now have the impetus to jettison it from your life. Go forth and pity the poor fools who are still stuck in its claws, unable to look past it on the menu to something slightly more adventurous, unable to find their waists and unable to be more than five feet away from a loo.
Photo by Dose Juice on Unsplash