Everybody knows, deep in their hearts, what they need to do to change their life.

Like, if you are someone who is falling on the depressed / anxious end of the spectrum, who is perhaps not earning as much as you’d like, nor working in the job you especially want, who has a bit more junk in the trunk than you’re comfortable with and frankly, a social life that could do with a boost, then you know precisely what you need to do to ramp things up. Ditch the cigarettes, cut back on the booze, swap the sarnies and pizzas for salads and fruit and take up a new activity that gets you out of the house and moving your body.

Everybody knows that internal makeovers reap external rewards. The problem is, what most people don’t know is how to actually do this. Seriously, how is a person who only runs if the bus is leaving (and maybe not even then) meant to become a smoke-free, veg munching, smoothie slurping, fitness queen? Where do they start?

Most people at this point would jump in with the “you start small. You start with one tiny habit, you change that and go from there”, and while that’s true and I agree with it 100%, most people still don’t succeed and continue schlepping along in a life that doesn’t truly light them up because there’s an extra layer underneath that advice that’s never addressed.

See, when a person wants to shake up their routine they assume swapping out an unhelpful behaviour and replacing it with something more wholesome is achieved with nothing other than the blunt tool of willpower. But that rarely works because it’s creating the narrative that what they’re doing is pretty bloody unpleasant and needs to be “got through” AKA survived. Needless to say, as humans don’t have the stomach for suffering, we rarely manage to blugeon that primer habit out of our lives, let alone tackle the bigger stuff that was supposed to follow along behind.

To change a habit successfuly you have to go deeper than willpower. You have to recognise that although on the surface it looks like all you’re doing is ditching the milk in your morning coffee, let’s say, what you’re actually doing is something far more important and magical. You’re setting out to gain mastery of self.

Self-mastery, ladies, is the secret to upgrading your existence / changing your life / kicking yourself into high gear / becoming a badass babe with balls, and yes, it starts with geting to grips with black coffee. Or taking your tea with only one teaspoon of sugar, not two. Or taking the stairs not the lift. Or swapping your diet coke for a soda water … you get the picture.

When you realise the power is yours to ignore the urge-like feeling (which is thought) that makes you want to add milk to your coffee, you realise the power is yours to ignore any thought that crosses your path that you don’t like the feel of. Like the angry thoughts, the depressed thoughts, the anxious thoughts, the thoughts that tell you drinking a bottle of wine a night is a good idea, the thoughts that tell you starting a business is a dreadful idea, the thoughts that tell you to skip the gym because you’re too tired. In short, self-mastery means gaining control of your mind so you can gain control of your life and your destiny.

Quitting stuff and changing the odd habit might seem petty and a little navel-gazely, but it’s powerful as fuck. It will lead you to a level of living where you act consciously and deliberately, no longer being blown about like a discarded wrapper in a breeze, at the mercy of any thought that happens to stop by.

Let’s go back now to the coffee example. At first you’ll open one eye and think, “oh heck, what’s the point of getting up, I hate black coffee, it’s so bitter”. But you’ll get up, you’ll put on the kettle, and sure, you’ll yearn to reach for the milk and add a splash, but you won’t, because not having milk is proof you are mighty. It’s proof you have the capability to ignore your thoughts, that you can swish through them like bad movies on Netflix.

It will be awful for about 14 days, but then all of a sudden you’ll realise, “hey, this isn’t so bad”. Not only will you find the coffee less bitter, you’ll actually quite like it. You’ll realise you enjoy the sharpening, almost medicinal effect it has on your morning mind, you’ll come to find it quite tasty (especially when paired with a teaspoon of natural peanut buter – they’re companion flavours, trust me). All of a sudden you’ll realise you’re a black coffee drinker. The yearning to add milk will have gone, as will the feeling of depression that you “can’t” have any.

Congratulations, you’ve successfully overridden and re-configured the wiring in your brain that was programmed to drive you towards milky coffee but is now wired up to ensure you have it black. Now you can go on to the next thing you want to change.

Sidebar – why should someone drink their coffee black? They shouldn’t. Meaning, there’s no “should” involved. If you want milk, have milk, but going without does mean less shopping, less cost, less rubbish and fewer calories and for me on a boat with poor refrigeration is also means less waste. I cannot tell you how many half used cartons I’ve had to pour over the side, curdled, sour and gross. But anyway, it’s just an example.

The point is, for any habit you decide to tackle, from the small ones like ditching the milk in your coffee to the big ones like quitting smoking and drinking, the process is the same. It’s about understanding that the urge to carry out your habit is thought that you have the power to overule, disregard, ignore and frankly laugh at, any time you want. See that as true and your habit is over.

Do you get it? You now hold in your sweaty palm the REAL tool that’s going to let you mould and shape your life exactly the way you want it. It’s not willpower, it’s the thumping great right you have to ignore the thinking that leads you to behaviours and feelings you don’t want. That’s the source of your true power. It’s subtle, almost hidden, but once you know of its existence and start to use it, trust me, things start to change fast.

After all, you ignore the thinking that’s cruddy, and all you’re left with? Is the gold.