I don’t get hungry, I ache for food. I’ll be sitting at my desk, scratching out words, and suddenly a pining, yearning, longing to eat will hit me. It’s worse on days when there’s bread in the house. I’ll stop what I’m doing – I have to – and head to the fridge. My concentration is well and truly broken anyway.
I know I should have some fruit, and if I’m genuinely hungry I would, wouldn’t I? But see, this is not genuine hunger. It’s a craving to eat, a longing, an ache.
I want cheese. I want toast. I want the leftovers from lunch, even though it was a horrible curry I made with tinned peas, I do not want a fucking star fruit. I feel bad because supper is only a few hours away and I don’t really want to be seen (or feel) like a greedy-guts. I can wait, can’t I? I can’t wait, can I.
I feel the tension in my chest. My inner voice starts yakking, telling me I’m a greedy fat bitch and I’ll never be free of this so why keep trying to resist the inevitable. “You’ll never be free, you’ll never be cured, oh yes, but also, you can start your diet again on Monday, blah, blah, blah.”
But then, out of nowhere, I suddenly remember something which totally changes the game.
“I can turn this off.”
“This thought isn’t me.”
“This thinking has no power or authority over me.”
And with that helpful recognition I begin to consciously “feel my inner body”. It’s kind of automatic now. I feel it like a buzzing lake of energy. I become aware of my fingers and toes as they go a bit tingly. It’s awesome, and with that simple movement do you know what happens? As if by magic the ache for the horrid leftover curry dissolves, it passes on through my system without causing me to act on it, and I’m left standing proud and feeling powerful and authoritative and like a queen who takes zero shit from zero thoughts.
Because the truth is thought can’t make you DO anything. It can make you feel like you want to stuff a heaped teaspoon of curry into your mouth while no one is watching, but it can’t roll up, slap a pair of handcuffs on you and drag you to the tupperware. You know what – knowing it doesn’t have that power automatically strips it of its power. It’s left stranding there with its trousers round its ankles.
That’s the fabulous moment when I remember I am actually cured, I always was, I just couldn’t see the truth behind the veil of thought. It’s gone now though, the veil of thought, and the best part about my tearing it down is that in my total release from its nonsense?
Also comes yours.
Photo by 贝莉儿 DANIST on Unsplash